The Waverley Shopping Centre, Edinburgh

Yeah, Fine Fare can sod right off when you can go and visit the city where the Tripods lived. Forget trying to make your shopping centre a tasteful, neo-classical, 'up-market' experience, you should instead fill it with mirrored panels, tinsel, spotlights and a glowing hive mind that levitates in a pool of water.

I don't remember places actually looking like this, but I'm sure my nine year old self would have been in seventh heaven. I love the lack of delineation between steps and water - you could just take your Spud-U-Like and groove on in there. Try and imagine the results of a potato-related slip: a cross between Don't Look Now and the beginning of Scanners.

Here's a better view of the paddling p...er, water feature, with various punters making themselves comfortable (or as comfortable as you can get on potato-flecked toilet floor tiles). Points of interest - the two identically dressed men hustling a youth out of his place on the step. What's in the bag? Also note the hold that the glowing sphere has over the boy in the blue jacket. They'll find him, last man standing with just a small white plastic knife and fork in his hand, still staring, oblivious to the sirens.

Well, it's not all snacks and fountains. There are shops too - here's the mini-market. You know the story. You go to Edinburgh for the weekend and want a souvenir for your other half. What, this? Yeah, I got it from Little Haiti. You know, the one in Edinburgh. The older lady in the doorway is tempted, but not sufficiently so to cross the threshold.

It's time to leave Edinburgh, but I'll be making a stop at another palace of shopping delights. I'll wager it will be understated, uncluttered and timeless. See you shortly.